The obsession.
Pertinent stubborn desire .. to be a perfectionist.
Here I am.. in the library cafe...
Asha is beside me.
We are thinking of a name for our jersey..
I asked my darlin to help me out with a name.. waiting for a reply

PREMLUASH.. haha PREM AMALA ASHA

asha has a bit of brains at times.. haha smarty farty!!

its 11.59.. on my way to dorothy's tut.....

*tataaa*

Its not you.
Its me.
I find it hard to let go.
You have let it go.
I crept into the world of confusion.
Why is the world so unfair?
Why is it that things don't turn out the way you want it to?
I am losing it.
Losing the will to move on..
I am struck by the obsession.. the obsession to be thin.
I want to lose weight.
Like a whole 20 pounds.. I am fat .. not to the eyes of the rest but i know they are lying
I am fat.

A failed relationship.
A relentless desire to be stick thin.
A perfectionist.

There is so much to do yet.. so little time.
Whats left of me.. that I have to back on?

I have loyal friends who have been there for me..
My good times my bad times .. they have seen it all.
And they say move on..

I have moved on.. I really have.. I am doing things that I desire..
The way I want to be.
The way I dress
The way my physique is

I am not judgemental.
I am a perfectionist
I love me.
I love my family and friends.
I love god.
I adoreee loveeee and treasureeee my darlinn brother and grandmom:)

I hate FOOD
I hate HIM...for playing around with me
I hate IT.. for irritating the hell out of me




I am single and happy the way my life is.
I don't need a man in my life.

I think we should end things here for now were the words from his mouth.. never did I expect such an ending.Its really wierd the way people are. Whats with him telling me to wait. When I asked if he was serious he said I DON"T KNOW.. What tje fuck is wrong with him. He has cut my deep.I am hurt.Deeply hurt. I can't let himgo at all. I dun't know why.Memories of him haunt me everyday.There is not a night that I sleep without thinking of him. I am really in love with him. Our relationship was short but a beautiful one. We were really happy together. He put my pics on his frenster account and my friends were really happy for me. I was thinking.. that I have nmet the right person.. the man of my dreams..maybe not exactly the kind my parents will love for as a son in law.. but I didn't care least about it. All I wanted was to spent the rest of my life with him. Now its no more..his friends said he was going on with that bapok for revenge.. but it doesn't seem so now. Its very superficial that he is lying to me. I hate liars.. and players.. He said that she would or rather IT would never leave him.. and I really think he loves her too... the pictures that I saw and the things that I heared about them .. validates the fact that its certainly more than revenge.. more to the love side..Why is he doing this.. he told me he was grateful that I was there for his parents when he was in remand.. the tears from his mothers eyes.. the sadness in his fathers eyes are something I will never forget. I did this only for his parents and not for the love I had for him.. I never expected anything in return... I really wish that what has been done can be undone...REALITY IS HARD TO FACE..

I am really depressed... the forces of depression are getting the hell out of me.I feel that there is no one left for me.. No one that I can love... No one new whom I can trust.. it will take long for me to accept reality...I just want to perish forever, many a times I am engulfed by thoughts of suicide.. but I just think really hard and tell myself .... is it worth? My mum.. the one who lives for us , my siblings, most importantly my grandparents.. I have dissapointed those around me many times.. and this time I am making an effort .. to change myself.. for the best..

I have dreams of making it big... I want to make a mark.... i want to be known... I want to unleash the hidden dragon... the one who is thirsty for knowledge....

AND TO THAT FUCKIN BITCH WHO HARRASSED ME...
IF YOUR READING THIS>>> ME AND HAFIZ ARE NO MORE....

Today is unlike any other ordinary day.. its filled with intense emotions...
Tommorrow is the 1st mention of the case.. I'm really praying hard that things would be fine.. I have made calls to the relavant divisions... hmm.. I am risking it though.. 1st mention is usually at 8.45 at court 26.. I wana see my baby boy so badly.. sleepless nights.. sepia bags under my eyes.. wrecked thoughts..Its sheer mental torture.. I went to visit his dad.. boy.. it really takes alot for a man of that age to cry.. he told me all about my baby.. details which I never knew.. I only knew he cant realli click with his father.. but yesterday the turth was unraveled.. it was a moment of extreme emotions... It made me really depressed to see his father cry.. He was saying about the way he came up in life and the hopes he had on his kids.. The last child esp.(my baby).. It cuts me deep to know that he hid alot from me.. but I am proud of what I did.. I was initally risking myself.. I was afraid of rejection from his family to open up to me ... but it is so good to know that they are very open and willing to share alot of things with me.. I am not doing this cause I want to be with him.. I am doing this for his parents and my satisfaction.. I know the torture they are going through.. cause I went through the same torture when my dad was blatantly blamed for forgery and had to serve a sentance.. I remember the way my mum fell onto the couch and cried .. it was really disheartening to see her at that state.. as for me.. I knew everything that was going on... but mom tried hiding it from me.. it was evident from her tears that there was something really wrong... I CLEARLY remember the last words dad said the morning he left for the verdict.. GIRL WE SHALL ALL GO FOR A GOOD BREAKFAST TOMMORROW AND GO TO SOMEWHERE REALLY NICE.I never saw him aftwer that morning.. i only did so after 3 months..

Well I am going to do all that it takes to render all my support to his family.. I want them to know that there is someone there for them... the least I can do is to offer my shoulder and healing words. Once hurt twice bitten is the saying.. I really hope my baby learns a lesson..
His mom is really depending on me to change him for the good.. I really want him to change or rather change him..

You only see what your eyes want to see.. how can life be what you want it to be?
I'm frozen...
Consumed with how much is there left of me..
Wasting my thoughts.
I'm ripped of my thoughts..
give myself back to me..
Whats with you telling me to wait....
now there is no point in placing the blame..
and you should know i'll suffer the same..
if I lose you.. my heart will be broken..

Love is a bird.. she needs to fly.. let all the hurt inside me die.. i'm broken...

Whats with IT scrutinising my profile and inflicting painful words.. I hate her or rather it.. What gonna be of me? What gonna be of us.. if only u were reading this ....Y baby? y baby? did i hurt u in anyway? or did i say anything wrong.. if i did.. I am really sorry.. is this repentance for my sins?...Why am I facing this..I need you badly.. very badly...the very catalyst for my energy.. the source of my happiness... I am not so strong but I am faking my strength,I don't wanna be lost anymore..

Please baby .I need you.I want u.

Dear god.. please arrest me of my insecurities,
please protect my baby
he is going through hell in cantonment..
and protect my boi-panjang too
its been so long since I saw them both..
They are very precious to me.
Please god.. protect them..
I pray .I cry..
I am drained of my confidence..
The judge has to be leniant..I know my baby and boi-panjang.

Why is life so unfair... grievous moments.. unexpected issues.. it been really an affair of complex issues.. the plot is thickening and I am getting vey confused... Hafiz is under police custody now.. damn.. i dunno how it happened but the bapok-his girlcumguy friend.. or whatever.. has been asking me alot of questions.. I dun wana reveal the truth... its so hard to face your ex-boyfriends girlfriends.. what the hag.. I am really hurt.. especially when she showed me the messages he sent IT and the things they did together.. I WANTED TO TELL HER TO SPARE ME THE DETAILS.. I LOVE ＨＩＭ AND Ｉ AINT ＧＯＮＮＡ LEAVE ＨＩＭ . UNLESS ＨＥ TellS ME TO DO sO....What in the world is IT thinking？ that Ill leave him and go？Ill shall asked It to kiss my lurvely ass otherwise。。。 what in the world does she wants out of me。。 I really love him。。 people around me know that。。Sometimes I wish I could unleash all these suppressed emotions entirely out of me yet its the most arduous task for me to comply myself to. These couple of days has been increasingly onerous its starting to injure my whole self confidence and the minimal hope that I have is diminishing。。 The pain of love that I am going through cannot be compensated by words 。As a matter of fact, my amidst's are filled with all the many paradoxes and deceptions. Words and truths can just be bend within a mere exchange of a minute, and is being easily weaved,even without any cogent evaluations.I'm exhausted.I can‘t bring myself to trust anyone at this moment。。

Wonder, why a heart so disguised
As suchYou gorged on my love
Bled me dry
A loveless cannot love
Can he?

What is of me now。。 I am torn into pieces。。I feel lonely， hurt ，betrayed and played with。 Am I a doll？Why must this happen to me。。。He swept me off my feet。。 and I had the best time ever。。with him。。 moments so precious。。 n then he left me 。。。。。

HE　ＩＳ　IRREPLACEABLE，　Ｉ　ｃａｎｔ　ｔｈｉｎｋ　ｏｆ　ａｎｙｏｎｅ　ｅｌｓｅ　ｂｕｔ　ｈｉｍ　ａｌｏｎｅ　。。。Ｉ　ａｍ　ｎａｋｅｄ　ｏｆ　ａｌｌ　
ｍｙ　ｅｍｏｔｉｏｎｓ。

♥ Tresca.
offically 20 on 2o/08

Loud,sarcastic,intellectual,conversationalist

Born a star,lives life to the fullest