Alot has happened in the past weeks,somehow for some reason I have been feeling a little better.Thoughts of some annoying slut is racing through my head.Some truth is made crystal clear.I have to sincerely thank my friends,family and lecturers and my amazing psychiatrist,Dr Chong Herng Niang.There ia one important thing that I have learnt,that is life is fragile,it took me a few weeks to come to realsie that cause nothing was sinking into my head since the admission,and yes Dr chong ur words have made me a stronger girl,sometimes I just thank god that I have so many people who care for me and love me.Cause many times the one I love,loved cut me deep,some questions still do exist,you know something I am never going to do such a thing in the name of love,cause my loss is gonna be your gain,I still don;t know why I cant come to terms with whatever that happened between that useless ite slut and you,I really cant,but baby the truth of the matter is your beloved(ME),is a popular girl,with beauty and arrogance and she certainly doesnt deserve to be treated the way you treat her,I know I can get anyone I want.. but baby Im not like that slutty ex gf of yours,i really am not,I really wan to break away from all the pain ,the torment cause everytime I think of us I cry silenty,I cry inside of me,whether you see it or not is besides the point cause it seems like your oblivious to my feelings,baby why why do you have to cut me so deep,Im so numb from all the pain that I had to drown myself in pills,a suicide uncompleted,you know how fcked up I feel whenever I think of what I did? Baby the damage is done,and although I know I must be leaving I cant some to terms with leaving you like that cause baby you gave up a significent slut of 4 years,maybe itll all take time,but till then I am, I will be that emo kid you wish you never knew.


*god bless*

I'm not the type to get my heart broken,
im not the type to get upset and cry
cause i'll never leave my heart open
never hurts me to say goodbye
relationships dont get deep to me
never got that whole enough thing
and someone can say they love me truly
but at the time it didn't mean a thing
my mind is gone im spinning round and deep
inside my tears i'll drown
i'm losing grip what's happening ?
i stray from love this is how i feel

this time was different felt like I was just a victim and it cut me like a knife when you walked outta my life now i'm in this condition and I've got all the symptoms
of a girl with a broken heart but no matter
what you'll never see me cry

did it happen when we first kissed cause it's hurting me to let it go
maybe cause we spend so much time and I know that it's no more
I shoulda never let you hold me baby
maybe why im sad to see us apart
I didnt give it to you on purpose gotta figure out how you stole my heart

my mind is gone i'm spinning round and deep inside my tears i'll drown
i'm losing grip what's happening I stray from love this is how I feel

how did I get here with you i'll never know
and never meant to let it get so personal
and after all I tried to do to stay away from loving you
i'm broken hearted i can let you know
and i wont let it show, you wont see me cry

you'll never see me cry, all my life

There are so many things that I wish I could change at this point of time.Certain things I wish I never did,certain people I wish I never met,certain relationships which could have been corrected,certain relationships which should have been maintain or never started off,cause through this critical period I have learnt the value of life,my life,how precious I am.It took one unsuccessful suicidal attempt to change my life,for the better thats for sure,time and again everyone who have been calling me up and seeing how I am doing have been telling me that Im precious.I have learnt that problems always exist,its just a matter of hoe you handle them,I have learnt suicide is never ever the way out,I have learnt to live for myself and never in the scrutiny of others,I have learnt that only I cam keep myself happy and I decide everyhting that can happen or will happen,cause I have learnt it the hard way,yes the lethal way,what I attempted was drastic ,yes,but it has impacted me so much that itll be one thing I will never be able to forgo in time to come,to all those girls who are crying for help,please go get a counsellor,go get help before you go into a crisis,and when crisis strikes its never going to be pleasant one. And I sincerely thank my hospital staff,my lecturers,my dynamic friends and yes my wonderful family and the love of my live for being by my worst moments,I truely appreciated every bit of effort that you people have put in,I have seen how much of a valuable preson I am .I am sorry for the disappointment,yes dad I know you never wanted things to be thins way.Itll never be like this anymore,I have attained priceless knowledge that can never be learnt through books,that is the art of love and the importance of believing in your ability and maximising your potential.
thanks to my psychiatrist who has seen me all the way through.I owe you.I really do,this entry is quite an emotional one for me cause I really want to put it to everyone out there your life is precious.

I'm so tired of being here,so pressed be all my childish fears,sometimes your presence won't leave me alone,my wounds don't seem to heal,the pain is too much to take,there's just too much time cannot erase.Boy I held you close to me,boy I have always said your my one and only,why is that your have to hurt me time and again? The things you say sometimes hurt me,but I don't want to point it out,cause baby I have already done too much,I am giving up on telling you.My sanity is being engulfed each minute.Boy do you feel the pain in me?Do you even care? Once, twice,never mind,I have tried so hard to forget everyhtign,but you keep saying things that rekindle everything that has happened.You have been the one closes to my heart all these few months,I should have known certain things fron the start,you know its so true that,in a moment anything and everything can change,there are many conflicting issues,I don't want to hurt you,thats why I am shutting up,you care so much about hurting me,but its of no use,cause you have hurt me alot,first there was this slut,then your behaviour,damn those memories,boy you aint nothing like the guy I thought I knew,I know I have my flaws too,pardon me if I have hurt you,everyhting is my damnnit fault,for forgiving and forgetting,for being so close to death for you,I have been rewarded by getting hurt again.I want to be there for you, through your joy and sadness,through you tough times and smooth times,I don't know if things are ever going to be the same between us again,baby I don't to fight,the battleground of insecurities is getting the hell out of me.Tormenting me,boy why do you have to do such things to me.And to those who have been missing that bubbly,crazy girl in me,I am sorry,that girl will be back real soon.To my parents,sorry for the depressive maniac crisis times,to my friends and lecturers,you guys mould and bring out the best in me.

Have you ever felt there's nothing you can do to salvage yourself from the pain your in? Have you ever felt like there is no one who understands you? Have you ever felt so restless and tired to the extent of exhausting your existence? Well I did.A rash decision which almost took my life away,it was the stupidest thing I had ever done,all I remember was screaming in pain and then popping a cocktail of pills to drown in my pain.I felt like a loser , misused,cheated and everything that'll possibly drive a person like me paralysed with sadness.I can't explain why I was depressed,but Im sorry to everyone whom are close to my heart,it was a decision which could have driven me to grave.What was I thinking? I hate myself for doing it,i was apparantly depressed with everything,home,school,my relationship,my past relationships,everything,it came in one go,and the decision I made was life threatening.My friends,family,lecturers were really supportive of my recovery and beng wah,kumari,bella,barbara,you people have made a difference in my life.I'd never ever forget you guys.Im still recovering though.Thaks to my baby who has been there for me. Baby Im sorry for putting you through all this shit,your not to be blamed.I love you my boy,i love you loads.you have been the best thign that has ever happened to me.And i can never find anyone better i this lifetime,boy I love you loads,I love you more than anything in this world.Boy please dun't hurt me,cause Im badly broken inside.

♥ Tresca.
offically 20 on 2o/08

Loud,sarcastic,intellectual,conversationalist

Born a star,lives life to the fullest