I don't know why people tend to stigmatize you when they don't even know you? I mean come on. Whats the point in concluding things when they are utter rubbish? Is it fair to blame people based on what you hear? It is so not fair. Get a life people! I am just so hurt by what happened yesterday.I mean it has been ages since I spoke to you and you are claiming that you are my life? Hello? Excuse me.. I am so tempeted to confront you but I just aint going to do that cause I know you are egostic. And I deserve it for all the things I did for you.And yea.. to think that I still have to face shit.PERIOD. You are living a lie. Why is it that when you love someone they tend to hurt you so badly? Be it your family or your friends? Sometimes its inevitable to meet such people and yea trust is a big issue now. It really is. There is hardly anyone you can trust.Very few infact. I have been throught too much of shit and there are very few people whom I truely trust. They know who they are. Its going to be hard for me to trust anyone new. Was chatting with Resh and he was telling me about his breakup. Poor boy is down with pneumonia,brochitis and lung infection. He was really upset and whatever he was telling me .. I felt it.. cause I went through the same thing too. Now its not that I ahve moved on but I realised that you should find someone who love you more then you love them. RESH YOU STOLE THE WORDS FORM MY MOUTH! Well yea.. he is really nice.He was commenting on how different I look and stuff:) Many people commented on how i looked today:) haha Happy happy.!!

Well lifes like this .brutal betryal and screwed up assumptions.

I am still trying to accept the fact that he is gone,into the world where halos and white colour is predominant.I miss him.Yesterday I went to view his friendster account and yea the pics brought back plenty of memories. His primary pic was what I saw him donned in last. Bought the straits times today and saw his face. I broke down real badly.I loved him so much as a close friend. Though we don't talk or meet up daily we were really close friends,who used to crap around,bully each other in school.and yess talk about dancing! And I am really sad . Vijay your presence is felt by all of us and thou shall be remembered as our Micheal Jackson,MY MICHEAL JACKSON. I saw the recording of the last dance you danced for NYP.Your moves so coordinate,precised.. okay this is just too much. I am slowly being consumed. I have cried too much that my head hurts badly and I don't feel well at all.Waiting for shasha to go for the funeral. Saw Tikus this morning and I was so tempted to go and see vijay but I had to wait for my shasha.She was really nice to console me..See thats a true friend.. kaijing called me too.. and I was telling her everything that had been going on.She was consoling me too.. then I had tons of calls and everyone was consoling me..glad that I have good friends like these.I am really glad.

Love you tons Vijay!

God bless you soul darling.

Today was the most shocking day of my life.I received a message from my Malar and it said that my very close friend Vj had passed on.For a moment I was numb to my knees and I broke down.I immediately messaged asha and when she called I was crying to her.Vj is someone I would never forget. He is more than a good friend.He knows lotsa things about me. He is really humourous and never fails to cheer me up whenever I am upset.I used to call him sayang... anf yes his favourite line was :ITS ALL PART OF THE GAME! Man It was really unexpected.It was believed that his condition was relatively stable and then it deteriorated. He was on life support and dialysis,I am angry with some of my friends for not telling me about his accident.I was sick and I could talk to him.I just can't forget the things we used to crap about.The last time I spoke to him was at NYP tea party. And yes we were supposed to meet up too.But sad to say my very good friend is now the hands of god .Dear vi you have been a great friend.And I miss you loads,God bless your beautiful soul and you will always be remembered by your sayang here.Love you always.

Its ridiculous the way people can change. Now I am not pointing fingers at anyone out there but yes my close friends would know who I am exactly I am drifting at .What's with you girl? going around and saying I am anorexic? I don't deny I was one. I was and I am not proud of it either. Come on everyone has setbacks ,problems and issues.. being an anorexic was just one issue in my life. I just can't comprehend why you are going around and telling people?! Despite the fact that I was anorexic, I managed to ace my studies and I have made it this far. Now I never bothered you in any way.So why are you?And for that person to claim that I think he is my life!? PERIOD! I never did things in the intention of getting back.I only did it cause I wanted to help you.And my help,concern and care seemed like I was a tyrant to you? I was closely following your moves? Gimme a break.Everyone knows that I loved you and you did love me to. No point in denying that.But for you to comment in such a crude manner despite the fact it was polite just puts me off. Now you could study shakesphere and be elite but you don't have the kind of thing in you which I thought you had.It is only humane to help people who are close to your heart and I did that but it seemed to you like I was after you?! Beyond imagination!!.. I never expected you to pen it in this manner..now I can't do anything if you want to believe her.you never bothered to talk things out.What you did to me was really unfair.. buying time to settle things you wanted to settle and faking .Is it fair to me? Ask yourself whether it was fair of you to do what you did to a girl like me.I never offended you in anyway neither did I hurt you.I gave you the best of myself.I cared for you.Even your friends were shocked with the things I did for you and told me why did I even bother? Now all that may seem like nothing to you...Its time I drew the line. Now don't you think that your my life cause you aint.My life revolves around my career and not you. Now I spread a clean sheet over my heart but still the lie and deceit exist cause sad to say people like you do exist.And as long as that bitch is bitching about me you'd probably buy her tales cause you would trust her more than you trust me. She even bitched about you to me.Call her a friend? God!

Well alot of stuffs have been happening and yea boy been a little too busy.Went for my colonoscopy yesterday.Boy I never knew it was going to be this painful.The houseman was really nice and he was saying how pretty I am :D then he asked if nursing was my ambition and stuff.. and I was talking to him for quite a bit till they wheeled my into the endoscopy room.And yea Dr Ang was like when is the next I would see you around?I just winked and said soon :) Haha.Well then I went in to the room and all I felt was the cold sedative running through my veins and the camera stuck up my ass,then gas was pumped and yea boy it was fucking painful..

Postop !!

My hand!!

Well there has been alot of shit going through my head,alot.I just can't seem to accept things the way they are.Its been perpetual hurting and yes can't hold it any longer.Everytime I think of it I just get so fustrated and back to square one.I just can't take it. I am totally going beserk but I know that god is looking at me,taking care of my needs.I feel pressurized.Dad has such high expectations and mom too. I have to be like the perect everything to them.Holistically! Period man!

Cousins 21st was awesome:) She looked really good that day.I went all gothic.And my uncle told me how dollish I look:) hehe.Well they sabohed me..yea with MR ANNOYING!!We had to dance.it was a freeze game.I had lots of fun.But I have to say that the DJ was an exact REPLICA of babyboo.I swear.The way he spoke,joked,the facial expressions! Oh godd!! I was like damn!
But the whole birthday was simple but fun.The dancefloor was good:) Except for the tamil songs.kinda anjadi.. but yea it went well. Went to grandma's house today..kinda boring though.. but lika called me and asked if i wanted to go joggin with her and lucky. I was ecstatic and immediately agreed! :) Tmr is east coasting with my babies!! yeayyy!!

love me,hold me:)

This post is somethin about my life.I am not trying to sound like someone great or something but I just felt like writing about it. Well..throughout my 18 years I have had ups and downs. Plenty of obstacles and yes sometimes I just felt like giving up.The biggest obstacle to date was battling my eating disorder.I can clearly remember every detail of how my family,my teachers and the dynamic team of doctors struggled to keep me alive.The eating disorder was consuming me. I was literally wasting by the days.I couldnt think or function normally. All that went through my head was calories and staying skinny.Typical diet was just an apple and nibbles of biscuits. All that mattered to me was weight.There came a point when my health failed me,I was admitted to the hospital and yes the struggle to keep me alive was in the doctors hands.I remember how much of medications,tube feeding ,blood tests I had to go through.I was counselled by tons of psychologists.. but yes I didn't want to comply.I was stubborn.I always pulling out the tubes,throwing tandrums,very antisocial. But somehow I manage to overcome that phase.My parents did the most.And yes the doctors too. Now I won't say I am totally fine but I am being able to manage everything.I am happy at where I am standing now.Though things aren't that perfect.Sometimes I just think of my past and tell myself that I am strong .Well certain things that are happening is just getting the hell outta me, but itll all be fine soon i reckon.People just love to comment and say all kinda things,and I am not going to let those comments bring my morale down or whatsoever cause within me I know that I am worth so much more.I do feel like everyone is moving away from me.I don't know why.I am not paranoid but yea its just this disgusting feeling.The world is a screwed up place,full of judgements and brutal betrayal,and yes people believe whats not true and scrutinize your behaviour based on that.Its just not fair.Its not a cry for identity,I am just who I am.I love myself and I know god is there for me. One can never comprehend how I feel.Its just daunting to know that one day you wake up and the whole world is screwed up.Its not fantasy, its reality from now on I am just going to be myself and not going to let comments affect me.

Went for my appointment at cgh today.My registar( see this is the kind of treatment you get when your a healthcare professional!!) is really nice and yes my CT was vague so he suggested for a colonscopy.Mom gave me WTH kinda look and I was trying to figure out the pathologist's report.He stated that the carcinoid tumour in my appendix was 0.6cm and it was obsrtucted by the subserosal tissues and there was haemorrage too. I was like uhuh!! That's why I was having the dumbb screwed up pain.And so much so for the stoppid medical officer to suggest it was urinary tract infection! DUMBBBB ARSEE!! Haha! Ok well he was explaining to mum about the colonoscopy procedure and was telling me that they would send the specimen for biopsy.He also reassured her that things will be fine. I was rather surprised mum was not cheesed out cause I was expecting her to blow her top. But she was rather slient and seemed very serene. Well I will have to wait for my scope to be done and yes hope for the best. Tommorrow is cousin's birthday and yes I AM DECORATING!! WHOOHOOO ! I just love designing and making stuffs. Can't wait to get it done. Next week are my holidays.. I am going to pack myself with things to do.Or else I would go crazy thinking about someone. And yes I have to start studying for all my modules.There is just too much do to and thanks to that someone who almost got me out of focus.Finally I am back on track and yes.. I REALLY AM. I am going to work really hard to get good grades and prove it to some fucked up people that I AM NOT WHO YOU THINK I AM.


Haha and yes I miss my munkie! My asha,prem,babyboo,and my sexay bummer!!

Yesterday it was really nice hangign out with shasha. She just makes my day.We were apparantly talking about HIM. Now its not that I hate him,I am really disappointed with his behaviour. Sometimes I feel its my fault.Totally. If I had not entertained him ,things would have been so much better. And now your back with her. I am not sad.Not at all.I am happy for you.I am truely happy for myself that I got out of the mess you created.The stuffs I heared about you,the prank calls I got,getting criticised by my family members for being with you.I fought back and protected you so much until I saw it for myself. I am totally sick of all this.I really am. I just want to focus.I just can't forget what you did to me. Although you werent a perfect boyfriend you had this thing in you.Yes I was blinded.But whatever it is.. you are a nice person ans as your ex girlfriend and I can't deny that,i am not supporting you but yes.. I have seen the nice side of you.. it could have been a play you put up..I wouldn't know.. but if it was fake .. you can go to the grammy awards.. I bet you'd win.I just hate to think that I was living a lie.While you were having a great time with god knows who.Why did you ever wanted me?I ask.You hear stuffs about me from fucked up random strangers and you believe it.First and formost LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU LOVE OTHERS. TRY TO TRUST THE ONES YOU LOVE AND DON'T USE WHAT HAPPENED ONCE TO WRECK YOU.

How would you feel if the one who you treasured turns the table round and makes things seems as if its all your fault.He does things the way which really cuts you deep and denies it.Ssays that you go around claiming things? Yes that's the shit that I am going through.I am not saying its entirely his fault,yes its mine also. For accepting you back,for giving you another chance.Ask yourself if what you did was fair and what your doing is fair.Your living a lie MR.You really are, all I wanted is for a happier you. Perhaps it would have been better if we would have just remained as friends.We could have been so much better that way,I don't hate you,i am just dissapointed wiith you,Why did you have weave lies that were so intircate,Why are you hurting me? Mr I just hope the best for you.I just want to be alone.I am sick of this.Thanks for ending things.

Things don't always turn out the way want it to.
Why is it that people have tons of issues and love to poke their noses into my matters?
Why? Its MY LIFE AND I AM LIVING IT THE WAY I WANT.
I AM NOT THE HANGING LOOSE SORT.
Mum was giving a pep-talk as usual.And yea dad is really high profile is and well known throughout almost everywhere..its like I am so pressurized by the situation around me.I really am. Cause of Dad's status he hates the fact that I have ITE friends.And he really looks down on them. Now I was fighting for this.. aren;t they people? They are studying just like us.. I mean.. hello.. ITE so what? They are still people.. they still graduate and con make it big.. man..period.CAN'T IMAGINE DAD HAS SUCH A MENTALITY!!

Kaijing darling called me yesterday and was consoling me.. I really love her soo muchh.. which friend would bother to take a cab and rush down to the hospital the moment she hears your admitted? Yes,my kaijing did it. Which friend would bother to call you and ask you how you are like every few hours? yes..my shasha,asha,prem,kaijing.. see the kind of friends I am blessed with.. there is one significent person who has wrecked me of my sanity.. its rather obvious to my close friends.. on who this person is.. I mean the least I am asking is to come to a conclusion.. its either on or off.. I don't want to start cause he would'nt know where to hide his face. I really care about you. But all this doings is just too much to take.I am losing my cool.I really am. YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE.She may be trying to spike my in various ways.. but the fact is that.. I am way superior.. now its not about superiority here.. but this issue is getting rather complex.. I should not have given in the first time. If your using me as a substitue,good luck MR...

All I ask is for a better you,you have to change for the better.. cause if your using your looks to get them all.. MR HOTSTUFF in ten years time.. you'd realize.. its the heart and not the face.

Babyboo messaged yesterdae.He was doing fine:) I really hope he is perfect.Poor fella is really tired from work and stuff. I pray and wish him the best in everything he does:)

MR please get this clear.. i don't wanna hurt you,i don't know how to console you,i don't know what you want out of me. Please get things clear.I know the stuffs your doing behind my back. I really do.Thanks for acting like you cared and making me feel like I was the only one.Thanks for the fake love,the plastic emotions .Thanks for putting up a play.

YOU CHEATED,MY HEART BLEEDED.

Why is it that people don't mind their own business.They seem to ace in betraying people. Sadly I'm associated with these kind of people.Things are not right at all. He is doing it right front of my eyes. Why is so hard to leave? I ask myself many times,but the other side of me asks if he is worth. He is certainly not worth.. but is it wrong to give someone who has defaulted a chance. Yes he may not be a smart as me.. but then again why THE HELL DO PEOPLE WANT TO GET INVOLVED. I just so hate this.. i was trying to work issues we had between ourselves.. but it seems futile. You dun fuckin hell care.. I too can do the same. You can deny all you want but their is strong evidence that your literally fooling around and making a fool out of yourself. What past is past.. prove people wrong.. your calls with others seems more important rite? you go ahead Im not going to bother you. You want to have fun.. go ahead.. i am not going to intrude. All I wanted is for you to be your best. And attain the highest level of happiness. I din't give you much cause I could sense what kinda person you were. Brutal betrayal is the title of the game. Why are you doing this to me? Why? So many questions are flodding my mind. I want to rescue you from your pain but I am getting hurt.. You know MR.. I have just decided to break free. Thats the best for now.. I have a bright future ahead of me and I know its not worth brooding over you. I can't take this mess anymore.

Went for my Ct scan yestearday. It wasn't good. I was in pain.. called him.. no answer.. fuck. To think that I even wanted to call him. I could feel the pain through my veins and it was generalised.I cried alot.. cause my veins were really thin and they had to flush in the sedatives... it was a daunting experience though. I just hope its not cancer. My veins are swollen and I am still in pain though.The drug made me so sedated.. all this pain is jus too much.. my health is killing me. Sometimes I just wanna die when I get the pain. Thanks to aneroxia nervosa. Which took the life out of me. An eating disorder is not easy to battle. I am still battling it. Only my ex bf helped me break free from it temporarily...

Now all I want is to live my life the way I want. Go ahead assume who I am.. cause I am not who you think I am..
Call me whatever you want..think of me as a bitch? a slut.. go ahead.. don't judge me if you farkin hell don't know me.

So much so ..I want to break free

NOBODY KNOWS ME.

♥ Tresca.
offically 20 on 2o/08

Loud,sarcastic,intellectual,conversationalist

Born a star,lives life to the fullest