Stairing into the mirror, Focus blurred, Coming undone
Faces stairing back at me, Screaming, Streaming
Rain falling, Trails in front of me, Totally insain
Bottle of pills, Self medicating, Face changing
Feeling of solitude, Becoming numb, Drainage
Misusing, Still abusing, Pacing, Thoughts racing
Hearing voices in my head, Telling me what to do
Feeling insain, Can't sleep
I need help, Mentally ill, Sickened
Empty inside, Bleeding, My head exploding
Fucked up, Looking through sad eyes
Always hopeless, Just wanting to belong
Casting away, Fear subsiding, Disappearing
The way I choose to be gets darker everyday
Scared of myself, Waiting to be free
Life is impossible, Thoughts of suicide...Won't understand
Can't erase them, Dissapointment
I am falling and crawling, Won't be okay
Insecure thoughts, Feeling ugly, The hole I dug for myself
I believe my own lies, Hateful, Deception
Hidden from the world, Crushing, Snorting, Burning
Pouring out my insides, No trust left, Forsaken me
I am the problem, I am the problems
Blood on the walls, Death calls
Self cutting, Slicing deeper, Bleeding, Bleeding
Horrible life of abuse, Fighting, Screaming, Beating
I am twisted, Crashing and burning, No strength
Changing every second, Can't take control
Cutting deeper, Waiting for you to save me
All fucked up, Sick of life, My pain will never end
Comiserating, As I waste away, Killing my insides
Too many excuses
Now I'm coming undone
Feeling worthless, Getting more hopeless, and restless
The lies, My sickness, Weakened, Self hatred
Running away from my past, Erasing memories
Distain, Wasting my time, In my mind it lyes
Never perfect, Disarray, I don't care!
Never to be loved
My pain kills, This is how it feels
Depression, Nobody cares, Blown away
Sick of this, Your oblivious, Never caring
Seeing death, Foresaking, My only cure, This I am sure
Mentally sick, Trying to stay awake
I hate myself, Dilirious
I am not like you, I will never be like you
Taken for granted, Unspoken, and broken
Becoming unbearable, Wanting to die
Nightmares taking over my thoughts
Never to be free.....Only I can see...Whats to become of me

I did it for them!!

Sometimes it hard to fake your smile when your hurt so badly inside,what did I do to deserve this.Haven't you put me through enough torment? Sleepless nights slit wrists.It maybe a figment of my own perception but isnt what I perceive reality?everytime we are this close to perfection you do something to inflict pain,Boy did I ever let you down? Boy did I ask you much? Boy there's this significent character who is being unreactive but is undeniably the catalyst of my insecurity. Boy what is it in me that you want? Boy do really love me? Maybe I am not good enough as a girlfriend,maybe I can never love you as much as your ex's..Im sorry if I haven;t kept you happy.Boy sometimes your words hurt me,but your unaware,boy I have always wanted to speak to you about these things but I couldnt bring myself to cause I don't want to hurt you.Boy I am at my wits end at what to do,boy I did so much for today and all you could say you were "malas to come". Did I prepare all of those special things to hear those word from you? Is it so hard for you to make time for me? Well Im sorry if I have been consuming too much of your time,of which you can spend with your friends.Boy there are slits in my wrists,its a reflection of my pain,after all the pain you have put me through you tell me your lazy come,I made my way all the way down many times even thoguh I was shagged,I came all the way.But its ok,its me,I do things for my loved ones and I never get appreciated.Pain is never new to me.My depression is engulfing me.I just have no valet to vent my depressive mood,Why boy ? Why are you doing these thngs to me? I know u'd never read my blog,well you probably never cared that I have a blog.

Boy I have no words to say.My veins are bleeding,my eyes are swelled from all the crying,I just don't know hoe insensitive you can get,boy I really don't know how to put this across to you.

Im sorry for the pain Im putting you through,you probably think Im a pain in the ass.

Hold me close and don’t let go;
I'm so scared to be alone.
I've been by myself for too long,
And always had to be strong.
Now I only want to rest;
And lay my head on your chest.
Hold me close and don’t let go;
These wars I fight no one knows.
Now whisper how you love me,
Say it tender and softly.
I am weary and soon will sleep,
But with you no longer will I weep.
So hold me close and don't let go,
For I never want to be alone.
The day you were born, the whole world was blessed
These thoughts in my mind to you I must confess

The time has come for me to express my true feelings
You are the center of my thoughts and the essence of my being
What you have brought me I never thought I could procure
The gift of comfort, with you I am secure
For you have lifted me up from a life filled with sorrow
And made me realize there is always a better tomorrow
It amazes me how someone can make me feel this way
I love you more and more with each passing day
You brighten my days and lift my spirits
I have felt this for so long and now want you to hear it
So you may know the place you hold in my heart
You are always with me even when we're apart
I truly believe what we have is meant to be
Just open your heart and soon you shall see
What I am willing to do to keep a smile on your face
Just know that I'm here and will be always

You just feel it coming but you don't know when itll happen.
Well that's my current mood.
Ended up in changi general hospital's AnE on thursday.Met bro in law and sis after work which was around 6pm.Was very upset with every shit that I was going through.I had enough of everyhting and the best advise everyone gave me was to give up on him.I don't know why I want to give him another chance,but yes the lost trust will remain that way.I am not saying I don't trust you anymore but yes the trust I had on you has gone down by alot,the things you hid from me are now crystal clear,thanks to that girl but then our conversation became a little awkward towards the end,I was totally cheesed out when you said that he will choose you over me if your in the picture again,cmon girl I was nice enough to tell you that its ok for you to talk to him once again and you telling me that if your in the picture he will choose you over me? Thick skin bitch! Damn you, damn everything,so much so for me even opening my mouth about allowing you to talk to him.Ive realised many things,one of which is that there is hardly anyone you can trust,yes I mean for you to know him for such a long time and tell me everyhting that happened between the both of you, even the confidential matters shows how much of a human you are,well im not saying what you told me was wrong but sometimes you just don't realise how much of pain you have inflicted on me,it takes two hand to clap,your not to be blamed solely,for him,I don't know how he is taking this but this is my last straw thats for sure,one more shit and off I will go with a nice goodbye,cause baby I have nothing to lose,One thing my very good friend said was ttrue,that is about him bringing only tears to my eyes,thats so true,well he has brought smile to my face but there have been more tears then smiles eventually,I can be sucg a pain at times especially when things like this happen ,do you know that I was so upset that the doctor in AnE diagnosed me with stress related disorders,And told me that if I am not goign to be careful I am probably going to die of stresse related symptoms,like a vessel in my brain bursting which is called aneurysm.I don't want that kinda thing to happen to me,cause I ahve so much to achieve,Thanks for bringing me down and thanks to my friends who kept my spirits high.Thanks.And shasha!! thanks for doing my ecg and jabbing me! Ikept laughing when I saw the video! And my bro in law thanks for holing on tight to me when I was nearing unconsciousness,barrison darling for coming to see me in AnE,Asha darling for checking on me throughout,Joel,my doctor and colleague who cracked some jokes to see that smile of mine which he loves,the radiographer who started cracking even more jokes,my sis who stood there with me,through my blood tests,jab and for clearing up my vomit.thanks babysister.I love you lots.And naresh for telling my sis to screw up you know who! See I am surrounded by wonderful people and nothing can replace my gratitute and love to them.

you know depression is ready to set in
when you wake up hating the life you have created within
look into the sun filled sky
let the warmth deeply apply
to fill your heart and your soul

get rid of the deppression that has a hold
don't let it sink far enough in
for if you do you will not win
don't let it touch your precious life
or your family, friends and loved one
don't let it drag you way down low
get the sun's warmth to let it go

fight the fight
and you will win
you will beat
the depression sneaking in.

but did you know???

did you know that I secretly cry and tear myself to shreds every night?

did you know that behind my seemingly warm happy eyes lies a broken innocent, ravaged by many sinful hands?

did you know that I loathe you for disposing and abandoning me in this forsaken hell?

did you know that for every smile I forcefully press against my face a slit is placed upon my delicate skin?

did you know that everyday you kill apart of who I am, that every time you scream at my wrenching, contorting face I grow number?

do you know that for every word you say it pierces my heart and I grow closer to my death?

do you realize that even as I lay in the plain plush pillows on my final bed with an expressionless face, I still hold nothing but contempt for you?

do you finally understand the cursed life you burdened on my fragile shoulders?

I don't think you do, you will never understand...will you?
well i guess time will tell. as we all grow older. we cant escape.

im battling this battle within. the sleepless nights & dreadful dreams are haunting me. i tell no one, i dont wish to. the mysterious sounds of the night are very frightening me. i dont dare sleep. panic and rage runs through my body like the devil's tryna get in. day after day, I fight off the urges, that would be so satisfying.

queasy feeling in my stomach knowing where the late nights would lead. now, no longer did I care about the physical pain. when it's nothing compared to the shit that starts up in the brain. things began to change as I automatically fell silent and pushed people away. tt never mattered when no one wants to hear of this kind of pain. all of this shit made it hard to trust anyone. even brainwashed myself to thinking I would never love nor be loved. with no direction to turn, since everybody goes through their own problems. tired of comparing my life with others, is all that supposed to take away my troubles and dissolve them?

now all im left with is this person. who keeps me going. who makes me realise & gives me reasons to live. who keeps telling me to look at the bright side of life. one who shares, teaches & advises. still selfish at times, but i love every part of him. the way he makes me laugh & the way he makes me cry. he doesnt know. he doesnt need to. i love him when hes angry, i love him when he's sad. when hes having a bad even when hes mighty glad.

ever since the day I let you meet me, i missed you when you left. i miss you now more than ever. i cannot wait to see you again. i long for you when we're apart. this relationship we're in, as we agreed, its like none other. who explores their minds with one another? i wish i could look you in your eyes and somehow take away all your fears. of those fears you keep telling me. fears of being betrayed. i believe together we could do anything. if we wanted to. i want to, do you?

your smile always brightens my day, while your words just blow me away. you give me the confidence to go on...making no more sadness. loving me...throwing away all of the badness. late at night when I look up at the moon, the only thing I seem to think about is you. even tho you're driving right beside me. or sitting right by my side staring up in the sky. embracing the world above. you've no idea whats going thru my head, cause i nvr told you. all that came out of my mouth was "wow", or "look at the moon". cause when ur staring at it, ill be staring at you.

there's one thing that i will never forget, and that's the day we finally met. when i gaze into your eyes, i know youre the one that will never tell me any lies. may sound so cliche. i dont care. you may not believe me. i dont care too. cause i know one day you will. you definitely will. I hate those nights when i'm trapped in my room when all I can do is think about you, but then I feel free when I know your thinking of me too. unlike now, ur fast asleep and im sill thinking about you. ur stuck in my head from day till night, in my dreams in my mind pictures of us hugging tight.

fuck all this bullshit cause nobody will ever really know or understand how i feel. but this is close enough. you dont know what i mean so dont let your minds run too far.

Now its taking a toll.
This is.
I am to be blamed.
Maybe this was just meant to happen.
Maybe this was based on wrong consensus.
What did I do to deserve this?
I didnt do you anything.
I really didnt.
If my moves seemed bothersome,baby Im sorry.
But I don't know why..I can never accept that whore.
Sorry if I call her that.But yea,you'd ever know how bothersome I am feeling.
Boy you got me caught up,boy you probably never bothered about how I feel.
Boy how is it that you can do it all so well? Boy why is it that you lied to me about meeting her that day? BOy oh boy. If I am a hinderance,I will politely move away,cause I dont want to come between both friends.Boy I will never put you in a situation whereby if you will have to chose between me or her.
Its so hard to say but I gotta do what's best for me.I hope you understand my position.I don't want to leave it all behind,once,twice? Okay..its too much to take.Its amazing the way you play your cards so well.Please oh please .What am I supposed to do?I never wanted things to be this way.Baby if she is so imporatnat... please tell me.. cause I will move away.I really will.I feel like plastic.I feel like you have toyed with me.I feel crazy.I came all the way .Ah shit.I just don't want to think about it anymore.


getmeouttathis.

All has been well so far.I have been spending time with baby.I miss him so much! Well papa got me mangosteen juice.It is said to have excellent healing properties and papa wants me to take it.It costed a bomb though.. 200 for 4 bottles.Its been 2 days since drinking it..I feel a little better though the discomfort is still there.My GERD is so irritating.I keep having the reflux..maybe its cause I am stressed.My pr.6 kids are having their last paper on monday.And till its over the teacher will be very stressed.Did so much this week.Spent lots of time with baby and his friends.I just love love love my baby so so so much.I miss his hugs.Hiaz! Next monday is my attatchment.I am looking forward to it.Atleast I will be busy.My schedule is going to be super tight.Baby Im gonna apoligise earlier!
Tommorrow is aaradhana.Bet I am going to see many unwanted faces.Many many that is.Well name the game bitches I'd be rolling in with you.And keep your hand of MY BABY.CAUSE HE IS MY PROPERTY!

♥ Tresca.
offically 20 on 2o/08

Loud,sarcastic,intellectual,conversationalist

Born a star,lives life to the fullest