Yesterday was cousin's wedding.It was really beautiful.I totalli loved theway everyone of us looked.We were clad traditionally and the girls were OH SO GORGEOUS!! I will be uploeading the pics of the wedding soon. Mum looked really gorgoeus.Very beautiful.:) Well it was a tiring day day though and I know that I was the topic of the wedding.. Haha.. cause of the someone. Now I wana make it clear that I know certain stuffs and I am not gonna ask this person cause he is probably gonna deny it.. I mean whats the point? My cousin was literally criticising me for being with him but the truth of the matter is he is a person whom we all don't know. HE is someone very emotional inside, very insecure and feeding his needs through the wrong ways. He may have a bad reputation but he really nice. And the fact that he asked why do you keep saying you don't love me? rang a bell.. I am skeptical on side.. cause I have a premonition that its prbli one of his techniques.. and I can't let this particular person go cause he means a lot me.. (ONLI MY CLOSEST FRENS WOULD COMPREHEND THIS LINE) Why is everi1 against him ... I am empathising with him for the situation he is in,but all I ask is for him to not to do anything to himself..the fact that he was asking about breakups.. and all.. made me want to really break up.. but I cannever let you go.. cause we know it within ourselves why we can't.

Why do people poke their heads the moment they know we are together? Isnt it OUR BUSINESS? WHY IS THE WORLD SUCH A FUCKED UP PLACE a PLACE FULL OF CRITICISMS,DENIALS,BETRAYALS,INSECURITIES?

If your going to say your insecure.. I can say the same too.. You don't call,or message and expect me to it.. and when I don't I dunno what ur thinking.. but I am thinking wayward.. cause I am totally insecure.. and if only you would care.. your friends have asked me why do I even care about you if I don't love you?.... how am possibly supposed to confess when it seems like one sided love? But then again maybe its not.. all I ask is for a genuine and sincere you.. I can't possibly be sharing you with others.. I totally detest it.. I really want you to change... to believe in yourself.. to establish rapport.. but it will all go right if only you want to give it a shot.. cmon baby,I know you can.. I just hope the best for you.. and yes I don't want to hurt you at all.

Yesterday was the most fucked up day of my life.I had to get my checkup doneIt was the review after the surgery I had. The surgeon gave me a shock of my life. It was something I didn't anticipate.. he said the opertion I had was a complicated one.. they removed a tumour,namely a carcinoid tumour. Now that tumour is associated with some hormones in the body.. I was like wtf? How come I wasn't even aware about it after the surgery.. I was really cheesed out.I mean its really unfair that I wasn't aware.I was then sent for a blood test.The dumb ass nurse didn't know how to take blood. I creid cause i was in pain.Her techniques was so screwed up.And a few minutes later blood just gushed out..cause she didn't apply ample pressure.. and I was grimacing in pain.. after an hour later my veins sweeled and the whole area was red. I was complaining to mom and she gave me a warm towel to place over that area. I felt totally helpless..I have to go for my ultrasound scan next friday to detect the size and location of the tumour,and I might have to go under the knife again. I am really scared to go for another operation.I really am.But if its cancer.. mom was saying that she would do all it would take to cure me.. but yea... there isnt any cure for cancer, I prayed last night.. really hard.. the last time I prayed this hard was for babyboo.. but this time its for myself.. for the tumour to not cancerous.I am having a lot of pain.I am really worried too.

I’m in a highly contemplative mood the past few days and I’ve found myself questioning the following issues many a time. I guess these issues are in my mind for a few reasons.There has been a buzz going on about me and someone.. well i dun even wish to talk about cause it makes me go crazy. Why is it that when issues are related to me the whole world seems to be updated.. Perhaps its just the way the world is. Sometimes I just hate the way things are.. why do guys get the wrong impression at me? Look here people.. I may dress so.. or perhaps portray such an image .. but you don't know the true me.. I aint the kinda girl you can mess around with cause when I hit.. I hit real hard.. Like I probably did to a few out there.. I aint the clubber,drunk arse sort.. neither am I the goody two shoes.. but I am just who I am.. its not a cry to establish my identity or whatsoever.. but its just too much to take.. what's with fuckin arse holes sending me all those messages.. HELLO I AINT THE TYPE YOU RECKON I AM. And those frenster comments which two significent who were once close to send to one another is FREAKIN SICKENING.. if you have issues with me.. handle it directly and dun hide it.. come on you can't even face the fact that I dumped you and go bitching around my back.. whatmore within a niffy your with another girl? Hello ? is that to spike me.. LOOK HERE IT NEVER WORKS FOR ME.. and even my once- best friend- is doing it to me.. wonder what else she would have bitched about behind my back to my ex.. sad to say but such people do exist.. I can't take anymore.. Brutal betrayal among friends? Cmon on bitch I did so much for you. Good souls are never forsaken.. and when it comes back its gonna hit you real hard.. but no matter what I am grateful for those moments we had together.. when I am all sad.. the times you met me.. the gym stuffs meeting up with your yishun town frens.. it was all just us.. :)

And for babyboo... i really hope he is fine.. he hasn't messaged me for quite sometime.. I really pray hard that he is fine.Those moments replay often in my mind.. and your just too precious to be forgotten.. inside us we know how much we mean to one another:) Sometimes I wonder whether you still remember those times.. the first time i met you in my uniform.. the way you loved hugging me when your all sweaty.The first time we held our hands.. the way you made me cry when you brought a cat near me.The first bus ride around CHOMPANG!! haha.. well that was funny.. the way you loved how hyperactive I was..sharing the same french fries and the way you commented why it was sweet cause we had a mouth to mouth transfer..the time where you almost died when I was in AnE at cgh,the way you loved biting my nose,the way you vibrated when you held my hands,your moon walk:)oohhlala.. you wearing black..so sexy!! us during my birthday.. pool and the way you took the chalk and put it on my forhead.. haha the play pretend wedding!!..it amazing.. and i had never felt so loved:)
I wouldnt say I am not missing you. I would say I am nething without cause you taught me to love.

no denies. i still do love you like before:)

Last night was very unexpected!
My munkie called me and was bullying me as usual.Haha cute la he!I miss him alot too!
After that I just slept and when I woke up this morning. I realised babyboo messaged me.. you can't imagine how sad I felt that I couldnt reply. He is really busy with work. I am happy that he has changed.. his mom would certainly be happy to see the change. I am very happy for you sayang. I really am. The messages were really sweet..:)The memorylane game especially with that little commercial breakiee which made me laugh. And words which you said. We are living it . We know it. Its just a screwed up phase we are living. I know you and you know me.

I don't want to control you.. I do want to console you.but your never gonna listen cause your just another passing cloud.
You will never know how much I am hating you.I am tolerating the things I just found out about.I don't wana start a fight. Cause u aint worth my time.
Ms Chia spoke yo me yesterday.. she is very close to me.. and she knows every detail of all the shit that I have been through be it family,friends,relationships...she said .. its time you analysed your boundary of friends.... I sat down helplessly infront of her in tears.. why is it that I make myself so vulnerable? We all know who I truely love.. and its just that we are apart in distance. I am sitting here with this blank expression . I need a getaway.I am gonna preoccupy myself with the usual stuffs.. I am a crazy madfark when I dance.. haha Ram and many people saw it that night.. and he was telling it was hard for him to control... ahh whateverr la ... guys!! .. Well I want to get something very special for my cousin.. its mom's burfdae next week,cousin burfdae too,and a beautiful wedding affair.. I can't wait!! A time to get all kluzty and dolly!! whoohoo..!!! I love dressing up!!I really can't wait.

Schools a bitch. Can't hold on sometime. I am just keeping it going. My friends are amazing. Saidah's huggs. Jag's jokes.. and yea his hugs!! The way we crap and scream. Kak mai's crap.. its so fun!!

I can't wait for tommorrow!! Cause am gonna meet my darlings! Prem and asha.. I am gonna get them both married la!! haha .

Beautiful liar. You suit this name.
Lotsa things have been going through my head.
Its now my cry for identity, what I am doing with my life. I don't want to be associated with you but I know you will keep coming back..Stop patronising me. I have been saying this umpteen times. Its time that I get my priorities on track.Enough of what I am hearing . Enough. I can do what you can so much better. I don't give a shit about your past,but if your past is the reason for what you have become I can't blame you either. Its not the way things should be. Its not the way things are meant to be. Cause it wouldn't take me long to knock sense into your hardass head. Stop manipulating me. I shall not bother you , This friday is going to be 2 months .. but I know its not going to be special or whatever to you. Hell cares. Cause baby I am breaking up. Jegs came over last night and we were talking about some random stuff.. the usual.. i am really annoyed with this particular person and my fustrations are getting the hell out of me. Thanks to my cousins.. who are trying to get as much information for me and bring me out from the mess that I am in. Uncle ratna is gonna give that satan a nice one that I know. Dad can't possibly know whats going on or else both of us and a couple of people are in for hell. I empathise with you. I really do.. but that is only the soft side of me.. the other side of me totally detest you.
I really do. I hate hate hate you!

No i don't hate you
I Hate hate myself.
My concerns seemed like paranoia for you
My care made it seem as if I am a psycho
Ur the madfark. You don't know how to value the ones you love.Your just irritating the fucking hell out of me. You still say you love me and blow kisses.. make up ur mind. cause I dunt wanna give you hell.. which I am well versed at. I dun want to hurt you, I have always wanted the best for you. Why the hell are you doing this to me. Broken promises, Madfark brutal betrayals,I can't hold it. I am totally ripped of my sanity,Why why why? why you making me go nuts? I can remember the way you kept cuddling me,and saying baby i love you,baby i need you,Baby ur mine. Sweettalker I said... you denied... so much so to really make me believe. YOu know the trust wasn't there. I can remember the first time you pleaded me to hold your hands. I can remember the first kiss. I can remember the bad love bite I gave you and you called me a vampire:P its all replaying in my mind. I don't want to live a lie or cheat myself. I want to leave you cause I cant take it no more. I don't know how your going to handle it. I hate you
I really do. Ur blog has got so much of underlying vengeance and trauma. You keep saying you can't trust girls. Why the fuck did you come to me. I don't trust guys. Lemme lay it the way you will comprehend it. Guys are the biggest wreckers of emotions. I have had enough. I am leaving you. Don't want to regret cause I am regretting for the shit I did. I abhor you . I totally do.

All I want to do is to find a way back into LIFE.
Ive been sleeping with the clouds above my bed
Im trapped in the past and I can't seemed to move on.
I have lost trust in everyone.
I have appreciated almost everyone.It cuts me deep to know that your living a lie,you told me things are never gonna be the same. I was hesitant. I really was... there are moments if I don't know know if your real. I don't want a negotiation.. you have to pull yourself back on track.. you have to. I know its really hard. Now I know why the ignorance existed initially. I have always gotten what I want.And if I want I can do the same thing to you.

Its been hell the past few days. Been really sick. Was having fever. I managed to sit for my theory yesterday.It was manageable. Went to do lab makeup with shasha. We had a convo about all the shit that was happening and she made me feel secure. I tak nak jatoh over him.Cause I know what sort of a person he is. Shasha knocked hell of a sense into me today. Thanks babe! Was talking to satish yesterday. I was totally happy to see him. We were talking about school and he was telling me about my sayang too. I really miss him alot though. I mean sometimes things have to happen and you can't possibly undo whats fated to happen. I have a cute little plan though:P It going to be pleasant for him.Me and satish are planning it all. Hehe I can't wait. He was really amazing though it was a short relationship. Well past is past. I am sure things will be fine and my prayers will be answered. I just hope for the best. I am depressed ..but I have to break free from the hurdles cause I am worth much more. I can't wait to dance my arse off tonite.

I love my sugababy
I miss that munkie shawn!!!

I am really stressed these days.
Thank god my friends are there for me.Shasha thanks a ton.
Uncle ratna has been helping me alot.
I am absolutely going bonkers.
Alvin's been good lately. He annoys and irritates me as usual.
And now he calls me his frog.I just dunno what to do sometimes.
Hafiz messaged me and told me to take care . I really hope he is doing good.My sayang is working now. I am really happy for him too.
I am having a really high fever and feeling absolutely listless.
I am breaking down at every point.I aint myself.
I am losing focus.
I can't hold it no more.
If only he would care.
He told me that the next few weeks are gonna be taxing. He has got to go work and go to camp . I was annoyed.We havent met since monday . Its so fucked up the way things are.
I just hate my life.

I have been very mood out as of lately.Pent up emotions.I am totally disappointed with what I did.I am irritated with everything. I can't hold on. Sometimes.. I just wonder what's life.I shud have just gone during my last medical battle. So many stressors.. to much to list .. but I will still list it.. first is charles.. my ex bf... i broke up with him cause we were really arguing everyday and couldn't seem to agree upon anything at all.. now he is on drugs and stuff.. I feel as if its my fault.. he was telling me how much he regrets letting me go once online.. I feel totally screwed up.The next Alvin .. I just dono whats happening..Seems like the whole world knows about us.. Sometimes its just so hard to face reality.. and I am really at ends.. I dunno what to do with him..Asha, Malar,Kaijing,Joyce,Kak Mai,My brother and my close cousind know whats going on. Simply to put it.. I aint the kinda girl you can mess around with alvin. Alvin was telling me he still clearly remembers how hard he tried to even talk to me. I am not that friendly. I am a kid with alot of pent up emotions and fustrations. I was upset when I saw the slit marks in alvin's hand. I cried.. I seriously did..But he promised he would never do it again.. He told me like everything about him.. and there is more to come but he is yet to tell me. He told me about his ex gfs,flings,the fact that he used to sleep around.. everything.. and he promised he would never do it again.Saraboy and malar are helping me find out stuffs.. the was once where alvin said .. i was just a pastime.. fuck.. but then sara said alvin said it in a fit of anger.. one part of me is convinced.. another part.. goes like PLAYBOY TECHNIQUES.. I just feel like slapping him.But when he spoke to me .. it really didn't seem so. And the best part was when he showed me his Id card. Oh god.. it was so not ALVIN!! I choked on my drink!He then hugged me and kept saying I love you. He told me he was talking to BRANDY! Ohh that made me go EEEEWWWWWWWW. Not another bapok! I dunno what to do. I am just so tensed and confused. Certain things I did which I don't want to mention.. I hate myself for it. I am really ashamed.But I just hope things to go well.

I have lotsa assignments to complete.. fucking huge ass bills to settle..

I got my period today,I was damn pissed off cause I had to go all the way back to get my pad.Sickening. I went back home and dad was like: BUDDY!! Gd morning!! Where you going? I was like: Ask me where I am coming from! He was commenting on the way I looked. He said I looked very pretty today and there is something different in me.And then he went on about how good looking he was.I was like SHUDDUP!! haha..My dad is so vain and is all praises about himself. I cleaned myself up and left for school once again:(. School was really relaxed today.It was E-learning day and I did all my assigned tasks.Met asha a little while later and she was telling me about Prem . Prem and her are in love. Asha is denying it but I know it. Come on asha I know you for 12 years! Dun deny la! I know how she feels though.. she just wants to make the right choice and not hurt anyone. I mean both of them are really compatible. See what Me and Hafiz did! haha..But Prem would be really lucky to have asha. She is amazing.She has always been the one for me and vice versa. I am totally blessed to have a friend like her. I was disturbing her throughout and telling her about my sister and cousin jega. That munkie is coming to my house almost everyday,but we dun't argue like before. Our arguments are really funny to the ears of those who hear it but I find it annoying. Then I was telling her about ghayathri and ruben. The thing is that I was able to solve all their disputes before but unfortunately this time round ruben couldn't take it and poured out all his sorrows to me. I initally thought ruben was the one at fault.. but now I realise its my wonderful ghaya who is at fault. He was telling me that he got so furious that he actually flung the ring which ghaya gave him from the 11 th floor and about ghaya going down to search for it.. and much much more. I was really cheesed out with ghaya and gave her piece of my mind. He wanted a time out and there is really nothin I could do about it. Ghaya was heartbroken. I tried my best to talk things out with her,she told me she felt much better and I was delighted. I am always there for you ghaya:) Asha then had to rush off to meet vivi and shanta. I couldn't leave with her cause I had some reading up to do over the internet. I was contemplating to go jogging today.. but my cramps are killing me and I am bleeding like a tap. I hate it when I get my period.I still have oodles of mugging to do. I have my practical on monday and theory on thursday.Dad will start his lecturing session tonite. He will list down all his expectations which my ears can't fathom to. Papa expects alot from me. From results to my attire,to the way I carry myself,to even the way my study table and clothes are arranged. He always says that a study table reflects your image. My study table is a mayhem. And my books are in every cupboard that you open. The store room itself has about 3 huge ( really huge) boxes filled with my books! Bookworm you can say. Speaking of books I have to get back to my mugging soon and

Today I went to school at 8 am.It was raining so heavily and I got pissed of..I wanted to wear a skirt..but the thought of my feet getting wet.. yuck! I clad myself in denims and a jacket . I dressed up quickly and left for school. I was sleeping all the way.It was such a nice weather to cuddle up in bed:) I went for my first lesson.. which was lab. We had to do the gowning and donning of surgical gloves as well as scrubbing. I had the scrubbing cause it leaves my hands so dry.My peers and I had fun splashing around. Simon was the best .. he was scrubbing until he did not even realise the soap finished.. I then caught hairi sleeping. I went near and gave him a shock of his life! Muahahaha! Hairi sorry k:) After lab I headed to the canteen with kak mai. We had a little argument over the project.I was sad that we ended up arguing.I mean I didn't mean to tell her off.. but I was really irritated.. no one attempts to source out for information and then I do the sourcing and the least they could do is to volunteer to source out.. but instead kak mai sadi I didn't show her the skeletal and I did it all wrong.I mean I showed them and everyone was complacent about it.. then when the lecturer saw it she said it wasn't what she wanted.. and now I am redoing the whole thing. Its really hard sometimes when your group isn't committed enough.Its a collaborative process.. all of us are going to benefit from the grade! Sometimes I just can't comprehend them. After school I went to practice for my napfa with Jag.We are running together again after such a long time. We ran for an hour and then took a rest at mac. Ferdy was in there too.. they both were so cute la. Blardy clowns.. I just love the stupidness in them.A while later we headed back home. On our way home he was telling me about his breakup and his family.His mom is really the unappraciative type..he bought her a diamond ring and all she said to him : DUN WASTE MY MONEY.. ALL YOUR POCKET MONEY IS FROM ME AND YOU WASTE IT ON A DIAMONG RING FOR ME.. I DUN NEED IT. So mean rite? I felt totally bad for him. And his girlfriend broke up cause her parents found a suitor for her.. haiz.. he told me he cried alot.. but yea life has to go on. He is really strong though.We slept after awhile in the bus.Suddenly a group of ite guys boraded and made so much of noise.. and then they were staring at me and jag. Jag got really unhappy and told them off. I hate it when guys start whistling and when they talk loudly to gain your attention. Sickening tamilans! We went to the toilet the moment we alighted! haha tak boleh tahan!! We then headed back home from the interchange. My mentor was speking to me today.She was telling me that I am doing very well and she expects me to do even better. She said she was amazed by the number of feedback my paitints gave about me and the amount of cards that have been given to the school . All the cards had my name on it. I was really happy . I love nursing alot. I just love to help people . Its a passion more than a profession. Ms chia told me that I would definately do well in this field. That comment really made my day.
I have lots of pending assignments and its time to get started on them.

Good nite.
I miss my monkie shawn :)
He is just so nice:)

love love.

♥ Tresca.
offically 20 on 2o/08

Loud,sarcastic,intellectual,conversationalist

Born a star,lives life to the fullest