Fade ♥

Thursday, June 07, 2007 ; 11:15 PM♥

This post is somethin about my life.I am not trying to sound like someone great or something but I just felt like writing about it. Well..throughout my 18 years I have had ups and downs. Plenty of obstacles and yes sometimes I just felt like giving up.The biggest obstacle to date was battling my eating disorder.I can clearly remember every detail of how my family,my teachers and the dynamic team of doctors struggled to keep me alive.The eating disorder was consuming me. I was literally wasting by the days.I couldnt think or function normally. All that went through my head was calories and staying skinny.Typical diet was just an apple and nibbles of biscuits. All that mattered to me was weight.There came a point when my health failed me,I was admitted to the hospital and yes the struggle to keep me alive was in the doctors hands.I remember how much of medications,tube feeding ,blood tests I had to go through.I was counselled by tons of psychologists.. but yes I didn't want to comply.I was stubborn.I always pulling out the tubes,throwing tandrums,very antisocial. But somehow I manage to overcome that phase.My parents did the most.And yes the doctors too. Now I won't say I am totally fine but I am being able to manage everything.I am happy at where I am standing now.Though things aren't that perfect.Sometimes I just think of my past and tell myself that I am strong .Well certain things that are happening is just getting the hell outta me, but itll all be fine soon i reckon.People just love to comment and say all kinda things,and I am not going to let those comments bring my morale down or whatsoever cause within me I know that I am worth so much more.I do feel like everyone is moving away from me.I don't know why.I am not paranoid but yea its just this disgusting feeling.The world is a screwed up place,full of judgements and brutal betrayal,and yes people believe whats not true and scrutinize your behaviour based on that.Its just not fair.Its not a cry for identity,I am just who I am.I love myself and I know god is there for me. One can never comprehend how I feel.Its just daunting to know that one day you wake up and the whole world is screwed up.Its not fantasy, its reality from now on I am just going to be myself and not going to let comments affect me.

Went for my appointment at cgh today.My registar( see this is the kind of treatment you get when your a healthcare professional!!) is really nice and yes my CT was vague so he suggested for a colonscopy.Mom gave me WTH kinda look and I was trying to figure out the pathologist's report.He stated that the carcinoid tumour in my appendix was 0.6cm and it was obsrtucted by the subserosal tissues and there was haemorrage too. I was like uhuh!! That's why I was having the dumbb screwed up pain.And so much so for the stoppid medical officer to suggest it was urinary tract infection! DUMBBBB ARSEE!! Haha! Ok well he was explaining to mum about the colonoscopy procedure and was telling me that they would send the specimen for biopsy.He also reassured her that things will be fine. I was rather surprised mum was not cheesed out cause I was expecting her to blow her top. But she was rather slient and seemed very serene. Well I will have to wait for my scope to be done and yes hope for the best. Tommorrow is cousin's birthday and yes I AM DECORATING!! WHOOHOOO ! I just love designing and making stuffs. Can't wait to get it done. Next week are my holidays.. I am going to pack myself with things to do.Or else I would go crazy thinking about someone. And yes I have to start studying for all my modules.There is just too much do to and thanks to that someone who almost got me out of focus.Finally I am back on track and yes.. I REALLY AM. I am going to work really hard to get good grades and prove it to some fucked up people that I AM NOT WHO YOU THINK I AM.

Haha and yes I miss my munkie! My asha,prem,babyboo,and my sexay bummer!!